image courtesy of sinden.org
This is a dangerous world in which we live. And I’m all for freedom and the pursuit of life and liberty — but we’ve desperately got to make some rules. Kids are getting hurt out there. Out of my deep love for humanity, I’d like to suggest we pass the following laws to safeguard American children. And if you have any allegiance to this great country, or any concern at all for our youth, you’ll sign my petition in support of said regulations:
Mandatory Knee and Elbow Pads for Everyone Under 16
Children’s bodies are still growing, and protecting their joints is a burden we must together bear. This law will make sure Americans’ arms and legs are bending properly, and in the right places, for a long time to come. And we’re not talking about during sporting events only — no, knee and elbow pads will be required from the time children wake up until they go to bed (at our new mandatory and nation-wide 7:00pm curfew). We are calling on American Eagle, Gap, and Abercrombie to quickly get to work producing trendy and fashionable pads for the youth of this great nation. If skinny jeans can become popular, we’re convinced elbow pads can, too.
Compulsory Waiting Periods (and Training Regimens) for Purchase of Video Games
We all know it’s not good for kids to sit on their bums playing Xbox all day. This law requires that, before purchasing a game, a family must complete a two-month fitness program which includes (but is not limited to) running, weightlifting, yoga, daily stretching, and quick reflex training. At the end of this two-month period each family member shall complete a race of no less than 10k, at which time the family will be given a voucher enabling them to purchase one (nonviolent) video game. Additional vouchers will be given for exceptional performances and, especially, state records. [Any individual able to, while wearing ankle weights, catch a flaming arrow fired from a professional archer’s bow will qualify his/her family for a special exemption in which they can buy three video games while eating non-nonfat yoghurt and drinking butter.]
Changes in Police Arms and Conduct
As the defenders and protectors of the public, law enforcement personnel are role models to our children. Much has been said about the impact of movie violence on our youth, but little attention has been paid to the influence these stalwarts of society affect on our children… with their weapons of mass destruction and potty mouth language. From this point on, police-persons will not carry firearms and live rounds, but instead water guns. And we all know if you’ve got nothing good to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. Therefore we will no longer permit language like this: “Alright scumbag, drop your weapon and come out with your hands up.” Officers will instead speak to those good qualities possessed by evildoers: “Wow, you sure do know how to handle a piece; and you disarmed that alarm with great speed and efficiency. Now, if you’ll kindly and gently place that gun on the ground and take two scissor-steps forward, Mother May-I would really appreciate it.” And instead of reading criminals their rights, the officer and the criminal shall sit on the ground (criss-cross applesauce) and discuss how good boys and girls are supposed to treat one another.
New Regulations on Car Seats
In many states we’re already providing a great service to our children by keeping them in car seats until they reach a weight of 120 pounds and the age of 14. Let’s make this the standard across the board. And because we all know car seats provide a 250% increase in safety for our children, we will now require the use of car seats inside other car seats. That’s right, double car seats. Our children (and young teens) will be 500% safer in their Russian nesting seats, and we can all rest easier knowing it’s safer than ever for us to text and drive.
Counting to Ten
Children’s minds aren’t yet fully developed, so it’s sometimes difficult for them to grasp the very adult concepts of threat and punishment. With the passing of this legislation, all parents will be required to count to “9 31/32″s before reaching “10” and sending a child to his/her room. It is absolutely crucial that we provide children ample time to understand our intentions before we go off half-cocked like crazy people — putting children in timeout after only counting to 3, and having used whole numbers.
No More Toys in Happy Meals
Fast food meals are incredibly unhealthy, and obesity is a tremendous problem in our nation among both adults and children. With the toys that accompany their meals, McDonald’s and other restaurant chains are luring our children into their horrid dens of evil and clogging their arteries, all in order to make a quick buck. This new law* will “allow toys to be given away with kids’ meals that have less than 600 calories, contain fruits and vegetables, and include beverages without excessive fat or sugar” only.** And while we’re at it, we should weigh the adults upon entry and departure, so a bouncer can give them three flaming Indian Sunburns for every ounce of death food they ate. And if they drank soda instead of water, a nice punch to the groin is probably appropriate.
So, who’s with me? Sign the petition below and include any appropriate comments. Please feel free to suggest your own rules for the betterment of our nation and the safety of our children. I’m convinced that, together, we can make the United States a safer place. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to envelop my daughter in bubble wrap before she goes out to play.