6 laws for a safer tomorrow: protect our children

image courtesy of sinden.org

This is a dangerous world in which we live.  And I’m all for freedom and the pursuit of life and liberty — but we’ve desperately got to make some rules.  Kids are getting hurt out there.  Out of my deep love for humanity, I’d like to suggest we pass the following laws to safeguard American children. And if you have any allegiance to this great country, or any concern at all for our youth, you’ll sign my petition in support of said regulations:

Mandatory Knee and Elbow Pads for Everyone Under 16

image courtesy of urbanlime.com

Children’s bodies are still growing, and protecting their joints is a burden we must together bear.  This law will make sure Americans’ arms and legs are bending properly, and in the right places, for a long time to come.  And we’re not talking about during sporting events only — no, knee and elbow pads will be required from the time children wake up until they go to bed (at our new mandatory and nation-wide 7:00pm curfew).  We are calling on American Eagle, Gap, and Abercrombie to quickly get to work producing trendy and fashionable pads for the youth of this great nation.  If skinny jeans can become popular, we’re convinced elbow pads can, too.

Compulsory Waiting Periods (and Training Regimens) for Purchase of Video Games

We all know it’s not good for kids to sit on their bums playing Xbox all day.  This law requires that, before purchasing a game, a family must complete a two-month fitness program which includes (but is not limited to) running, weightlifting, yoga, daily stretching, and quick reflex training.  At the end of this two-month period each family member shall complete a race of no less than 10k, at which time the family will be given a voucher enabling them to purchase one (nonviolent) video game.  Additional vouchers will be given for exceptional performances and, especially, state records.  [Any individual able to, while wearing ankle weights, catch a flaming arrow fired from a professional archer’s bow will qualify his/her family for a special exemption in which they can buy three video games while eating non-nonfat yoghurt and drinking butter.]

Changes in Police Arms and Conduct

As the defenders and protectors of the public, law enforcement personnel are role models to our children.  Much has been said about the impact of movie violence on our youth, but little attention has been paid to the influence these stalwarts of society affect on our children… with their weapons of mass destruction and potty mouth language.  From this point on, police-persons will not carry firearms and live rounds, but instead water guns.  And we all know if you’ve got nothing good to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all.  Therefore we will no longer permit language like this: “Alright scumbag, drop your weapon and come out with your hands up.”  Officers will instead speak to those good qualities possessed by evildoers:  “Wow, you sure do know how to handle a piece; and you disarmed that alarm with great speed and efficiency.  Now, if you’ll kindly and gently place that gun on the ground and take two scissor-steps forward, Mother May-I would really appreciate it.”  And instead of reading criminals their rights, the officer and the criminal shall sit on the ground (criss-cross applesauce) and discuss how good boys and girls are supposed to treat one another.

New Regulations on Car Seats

image courtesy of comparestoreprices.co.uk

In many states we’re already providing a great service to our children by keeping them in car seats until they reach a weight of 120 pounds and the age of 14. Let’s make this the standard across the board.  And because we all know car seats provide a 250% increase in safety for our children, we will now require the use of car seats inside other car seats.  That’s right, double car seats.  Our children (and young teens) will be 500% safer in their Russian nesting seats, and we can all rest easier knowing it’s safer than ever for us to text and drive.

Counting to Ten

Children’s minds aren’t yet fully developed, so it’s sometimes difficult for them to grasp the very adult concepts of threat and punishment.  With the passing of this legislation, all parents will be required to count to “9 31/32″s before reaching “10” and sending a child to his/her room.  It is absolutely crucial that we provide children ample time to understand our intentions before we go off half-cocked like crazy people — putting children in timeout after only counting to 3, and having used whole numbers.

No More Toys in Happy Meals

Fast food meals are incredibly unhealthy, and obesity is a tremendous problem in our nation among both adults and children.  With the toys that accompany their meals, McDonald’s and other restaurant chains are luring our children into their horrid dens of evil and clogging their arteries, all in order to make a quick buck.  This new law* will “allow toys to be given away with kids’ meals that have less than 600 calories, contain fruits and vegetables, and include beverages without excessive fat or sugar” only.**  And while we’re at it, we should weigh the adults upon entry and departure, so a bouncer can give them three flaming Indian Sunburns for every ounce of death food they ate.  And if they drank soda instead of water, a nice punch to the groin is probably appropriate.


So, who’s with me?  Sign the petition below and include any appropriate comments.  Please feel free to suggest your own rules for the betterment of our nation and the safety of our children.  I’m convinced that, together, we can make the United States a safer place.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to envelop my daughter in bubble wrap before she goes out to play.

* This is an actual law being enacted in San Francisco — hence the quotation marks.  See this article:  Law Curbs McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys.  It was indeed the inspiration for this post.
** We’re going to call it the Sad Meal.  And I’m no expert on nutrition, but how many beverages have excessive fat?!  Are they serving french fry-flavored shakes?


Filed under family, really?!, slightly humorous or amusing?

13 responses to “6 laws for a safer tomorrow: protect our children

  1. Show me that petition right now! You know…the one that signifies SanFran and the land of fruits and nuts. Love your tongue in cheek humor. trying hard to decide which one I like the best. Hope you didn’t do a Charlie Brown on her.

    • speaking of safety, bill, in your profile picture (is it called a gravatar?) you’re not wearing a helmet. such a bad example to all of your many blog readers. tsk, tsk…

      • What can I say Brett? The artist is a skateboarder and you know they aren’t right in the head (probably from not wearing a helmet). And he wanted to show me with no hair (which is true). Forgive me o great one. I do wear a helmet though in real life (but only when I am biking).

  2. Kim

    hahaha…. I’m thinking of trying to stuff my ten year old that is up to my shoulder now in a double car seat. Good times.

    And indeed let’s call it a sad meal. Hate to point out the obvious parental control of fat intake their kids are getting, but whatever.

    I swear pretty soon the gov will regulate how many visits to the bathroom we’re allowed to make soon.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    • i think the actual weight and age is something like 90 pounds and 10 years old in many states — but it varies everywhere. i know i started 9th grade at 107 pounds, and i was not the smallest. those rules are ridiculous.

  3. The car seat thing is hilarious. Jason and I want to know why no one mentioned all the children dying when we were younger, from lack of car seats. I did not even wear a seat belt!

    It might have been useful to have some of those Abercrombie knee pads during the 50 mile, though. 😉

    • levitt and dubner, in their book superfreakonomics (or maybe just freakonomics, not sure which one), did a study on car seats versus seatbelts for children over 2. there was .1 of a percentage point difference. car seat companies claim something like 50%, but that’s only measured against children wearing no seatbelt at all. there are much better reports than the following, but it was the easiest for me to find:


      in my opinion, car seats are one of the biggest marketing ploys ever, claiming to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. their popularity doesn’t bother me, though, nearly as much as the fact that they’re now required by law.

      wow, i’m more passionate about this than i thought.

      • Yeah, it is the “required by law” part that I disagree with, even for the mandatory wearing of a seat belt. The car seat is even more ridiculous.

        I think my dad refuses to wear a seat belt (unless bullied by me or Mom) for the very reason that it is a law.

        He’s such a rebel. 😉

  4. steve ker

    Brett, I think you are falling into the trap of thinking it is the governments responsibility to protect us from all harm.
    Their job is to protect us from foreign threat, and to provide an infrastructure that enables us to travel and engage in commerce.
    Its the job of parents to look out for their kids and individuals to act safely for themselves and those around them. God gives each of us a mind and common sense and if we use them we won’t need the government to control every aspect of our lives.

  5. steve ker

    Sorry Brett, I should have read the rest of your post before jumping on my bandwagon.

    One of the main reasons that our government is bankrupt is their desire to take care of our every need and want, and protect us from our selves.

  6. Pingback: you CAN be too safe with your children | aliens and strangers

  7. Pingback: walking helmets | aliens and strangers

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